Imagine this. You’re rushing to settle your groceries at the supermarket after a long day at work and your 4 year old is persisting over that forbidden chocolate all the way to the cashier. Your final ‘NO’ sends him into a hissy fit, sprawled on the floor kicking and becomes an eyebrow raiser to the rest of the supermarket. This is the point where your head floods with questions on whether you should just buy him the chocolate to stop the ‘drama’, stand firm on your ground, yell at him or just drag him out of the store.
Every child is precious, dear and a joy to raise except in those moments when stubbornness raises its head. Whether we call them stubborn or strong-willed, parents agree the head-butting situations that arise from this trait can be exhausting to both parties. Mr Teo Chee Keong, Founder of People Impact and Ms Audrey Tan, Principal of Learning Vision @ Raffles provides us with some insights on this discussion.
Strong-willed vs stubborn
Strong-willed may very often be seen as a euphemism for stubborn behaviour but Mr Teo suggested that parents associate their kids strive for positive actions to be a sign of strong will. Examples cited were in relation to competitiveness in sport, school and achieving excellence. All other tantrum-throwing behaviour over the selection of clothes, foods or anything unproductive were classified as stubbornness.
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Dealing with stubborn situations
Very often stubborn behaviour is displayed as a sign of protest against routine to which the child is averse, be it bath-time, sleep-time or meal-time. As both parents and kids approach these forbidden times with dread, the propensity for conflict and for emotions to get the better of reason becomes greater. Both Ms Tan and Mr Teo advised on parents taking a step back from their usual proposition and offered tips that worked in their respective parenting situations.
Cause for concern
Watching a stubborn kid may heighten fears about their behaviour manifesting into rebellion, anger and rudeness as they grow older. At the same time, we have also seen many kids outgrow this phase of throwing tantrums and turn out to be perfectly behaved ladies and gentlemen. On preventing behaviour from worsening with age, Ms Tan felt that kids do not naturally outgrow this phase. Early exposure to people – both young and old- hone the collaboration skills in children allowing them to empathise with different people’s needs.
Mr Teo, being a professional in children’s behavioural management, reiterated the importance of early intervention to ensure kids are steered in the right direction and prevent stubbornness from morphing into rebellious outbursts. Having said that, Mr Teo reassured that all is not lost when kids display stubborn behaviour as toddlers or pre-schoolers. Some do in fact take a natural course of developing stubbornness into a positive trait of holding strong beliefs in discipline, responsibility and task management as they grow older.
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Modeling the good behaviour cultivated in school
7 out of 12 parents interviewed agreed that their children had no disciplinary issues in school and on the contrary were commended for displaying leadership, team-spiritedness and compliance during school hours. Alas, they are the same ones who transform into recalcitrant kids at home. What then happens in school to elicit compliance?
According to Ms Tan, collaborative work and the environment where children are modeling after other kids socially engineer them to present a more docile front at school. The need to work in groups and achieve a common outcome usually takes the “I” and “me” out of their minds to focus on achieving the task at hand. This becomes harder to model in the home environment where the child assumes centrality in everything the parents or caregivers do.
Whilst emulating a school environment may be difficult – owing to the lack of children at home – both Mr Teo and Ms Tan encouraged parents to get kids to take ownership over certain tasks and steer them in the direction of how you have planned the day. If mealtimes were going to be a struggle, get your kids to set the table with their favourite cutlery, make them responsible for garnishing meals and let them have a hand in cleaning up along with you. That way, children will feel responsible for ensuring everyone, including themselves, finish up their meals.
Golden rules at your fingertips
In summary, both Mr Teo and Ms Tan had some really interesting rules for parents to imbibe and practise on a daily basis to avoid hair-pulling situations.
As Mr Teo aptly added, “Don’t let your four-year-old make you behave like a four-year-old,” everyone in the room broke into a knowing chuckle.
The need to work in groups and achieve a common outcome usually takes the “I” and “me” out of their minds to focus on achieving the task at hand. C.P.F – Be Consistent, Patient and Firm with your child. Children are governed by habits and will start complying once they know where you stand.
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Does your toddler suddenly display fits of anger? Are you always struggling to pacify your toddler without much success? Well, if you can relate to the above situations reading this post on anger management for toddlers is a good idea!
Rest assured, being angry is a natural and normal human reaction. If you find your toddler’s anger outbursts getting out of hand, it’s time to read up! Teaching your toddler the first few lessons of anger management can not only help reduce his distress but also help him learn to solve problems and cope with his emotions as he matures.
As your toddler grows up, he will be able to understand the environment around him better. He will also start understanding and noticing the difference between right and wrong. When your toddler is angry, he may be finding something hurting or incorrect. Your toddler’s fits of fury are a reaction to this unfairness.
While anger is a normal emotion, it can be a challenge to tackle it tactfully while keeping your calm. Your toddler may turn aggressive or violent. He may resort to venting out his anger on others, which can get difficult to handle later if you do not check it now. To help your toddler control his anger, you have to help him channelize his energy and emotions better.
Different toddlers may display their agitation and fury differently. As a parent, you have to watch out for various signs of displeasure that your toddler commonly shows. Reading these signs will help you prevent an outburst and calm your toddler in time. Depending on the situation and the intensity of your toddler’s emotion, here are a few common signs of toddler anger you can watch out for:
Here are a few ways that will help pacify your furious toddler:
1. Be attentive towards your toddler’s mood and behavior as a regular practice. It will always help you spot the signs of anger early. You can help your toddler calm down before he gets too irked.
2. Sit down near your toddler and talk to him in a soothing tone.
3. If your toddler allows it, give him a warm hug. Some toddlers may not want to be hugged or touched at all when they are angry.
4. Sit down near your toddler and gently massage his back. Run your fingers softly along your toddler’s back and head.
5. Speak to your toddler softly while looking him in the eye.
6. Keep telling your toddler that ‘it is okay’ and ‘I love you’ in a soft voice. Keep repeating it.
7. Ask your baby why is angry. Ask him questions like ‘what do you want’ and ‘what happened’. It will help your toddler communicate better, and you will know what exactly is causing the outburst.
8. Try and distract your toddler with something he likes to do.
9. If your toddler lies down, gently massage his tummy and head. It will help him cool down and relax.
10. Give your toddler some easy finger foods to nibble. Sometimes, temper tantrums can be a result of hunger, even though your toddler may not realize it.
It can be difficult to handle an angry toddler, especially if you are outside and amidst people. Make sure you keep your cool and do not resort to shouting or scolding. Listen to your toddler and let him vent out his feelings.
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Article written by Debolina Raja
Is your toddler being defiant and throwing those temper tantrums? Do you find it consistently difficult to make your toddler listen to you? Are you on the verge of losing your cool?
If you are frantically nodding yes to the above questions, we are here to help! Read on to find how you can deal with your defiant toddler in a smart and caring way.
Here are some smart and effective tips that will help you deal with your defiant toddler:
One of the first mistakes you might make as a parent is to go against your toddler’s wishes, which is prone to make the situation more difficult.
Instead of obviously going against your toddler’s wish, try and show that you do understand his predicament.
Tell your toddler that you can understand that playing till late is so much fun, but also emphasize the need to sleep. Saying something simple like ‘Yes baby, I know it’s so much fun to play, but let’s go to bed now and listen to that bedtime story’ can do the trick. Hug your toddler and make him feel that you are on his side.
Do not give in to the need to shout or show your anger. Be patient yet firm. This is how to deal with a defiant toddler.
Your toddler has to be told over and over again about his unacceptable behavior.
Instead of nagging, try and affirm the right way to behave well without losing your cool.
If your toddler is throwing his toys at you instead of picking them up, tell him ‘we play with our toys, we don’t throw them.’ If your toddler wants to lie down on the floor and scream, tell him gently but firmly that behavior like this is not acceptable.
Make sure you always tell your toddler how you want him to behave instead of just telling him not to behave a certain way.This is one way on how to handle a defiant toddler. Dealing with a defiant toddler is tough task but you can do it.
Setting limits for your toddler will make it easier for your little one to follow rules.
Make sure your toddler knows what he is allowed to do and what is completely off limits.
Always give clear instructions that are easier for your toddler to understand. ‘If you don’t like this vegetable, eat it up fast and then have the juice.’ ‘If you are angry with your brother, tell him, you cannot hit him.’
Your toddler may not always practice what you teach, but as a parent you have to keep reminding him of an acceptable code of conduct.
No one likes to hear a ‘no’ all the time, especially your enthusiastic and independent toddler.
Learn when you need to put your foot down and when it is okay to let go.
Let your toddler sometimes indulge, unless you fear it can turn into a regular habit. Make sure you tell your toddler that you are allowing it as a special fun treat.
Saying things like ‘okay, let us play some extra time today as a special treat’ will tell your toddler that you are allowing the behavior only for ‘today’ and not for every day. Allowing your toddler sometimes to eat without any grown up assistance or getting ready without your help will make him feel independent and responsible. You can ask him to follow the routine at other times.
As a parent, you already know where and under what circumstances your toddler can turn most defiant.
Try and avoid situations where you know for a fact that your toddler may not listen to you. It is especially true of very loud or fancy places where others can easily notice your toddler’s temperamental behavior and add to your exasperation.
Look at alternate solutions and how you can deal with it. If you feel your toddler will be uncomfortable look for a way you can manage both your needs. Instead of meeting the family at that very fancy restaurant, why not set up a get-together at a nearby park where your toddler will also have something to do?
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For you, it is the worst nightmare you could face as a parent. But for your toddler, being defiant is a natural and normal way of growing up. At this age, your toddler is in one of the most exciting phases of life. He is exploring many things, he is dealing with new emotions, and looking at many new avenues every day. Your toddler can walk, talk and express himself, your toddler can almost do anything that a grown up can – at least that is how it looks to him. Even as he tries to do it all at once, you constantly try to stop him or do it all for him. Your check on his independence leads to the most natural reaction – your toddler turns defiant!
Understanding your toddler’s thought process will help you know why he behaves in a defiant and difficult way. Remember, your toddler is not doing any of this to put you in a spot in front of others. He is not doing it to spite you or to take out a personal grudge. All he is doing is trying to experiment with things and struggling to understand new emotions.
Of course, it is natural for you to lose your cool and want to shout at your defiant toddler. But it will only make matters worse and make you feel guilty when you calm down, probably within the next minute itself!
When your toddler behaves defiantly, here are a few things you can do to handle him with care:
If you are worried about what other people who are watching you and your toddler may be thinking, tell yourself they too have been through this or will be through this.
All toddlers will show a defiant behavior at some time or the other, so don’t beat yourself about it or lose your temper. Handle your toddler in a calm way, without being judgmental about it.
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Article written by Debolina Raja
From the time you first realized that you were pregnant till the day your baby finally came into your arms, the journey of becoming a parent is beyond words. You love your child with all your heart, and naturally, as a mother you would want your toddler to achieve all the success and happiness. You will strive to work effortlessly towards doing the same.
Disciplining your little one tends to start very early. Beginning from providing him the right food and establishing good habits to encouraging your child to learn and play; you are now training your naughty little toddler for what he’s about to come across in the next few years of his life. Having an active and naughty toddler is a good sign- he’s on the right path of development. However, there’s a thin line between naughtiness and lack of discipline, and it is during this crucial stage that you need to explain the importance of toddlers discipline.
We bring some effective ways to help you discipline toddler and encourage the right behavior from the very beginning of his life.
You may have heard of the saying- spare the rod and spoil the child. Well, this is not always necessary. Remember that your toddler is still a toddler, and unless you don’t teach him the difference between the right and the wrong, he is not going to change.
Your first step is to sit down with your child, and explain him the difference between good behavior and the bad, preferably along with their consequences. Remember that disciplining a toddler requires time and patience, and there’s no one-size-fits-all magic remedy to it. You, as a parent will need to intervene and sort out things yourself.
One of the best ways to discipline your toddler is to reward him for his good behavior. Punishment may be the center of discipline, but you will need to keep your child motivated and encouraged to make sure that he is at his best behavior always, even when you’re not around him.
You don’t have to start giving him a strict military training all of a sudden- go slow and explain him your motive behind you encouraging good behavior.
Setting down rules of appropriate behavior is yet another great way to keep your toddler working towards good manners, especially if your toddler has now started socializing. You may also learn that your toddler will come home with new words, behaviors and patterns once he starts going to playschool, and if you find him doing something inappropriate, put down a list of rules you will want him to follow.
It is also advisable to set timings that your little one has to follow when it comes eating, playing, bathing and sleep routine. Fix an appropriate time to watch TV, play and sleep. Ask him to place things at their appropriate places once he’s done using them.
If your child is fussy and tends to argue with the rules that you have put down, try and neutralize arguments instead of dominating him. For example, if your toddler is insisting on you buying him a new tablet, try to neutralize the argument by saying- “yes, we will get you one soon”.
Children tend to be fascinated with every other thing that comes their way and direct demands are put in front of parents for buying them. Do not be too rigid nor or too flexible.
Instead of yelling and spanking and being rough with your toddler when he does something that had caused you embarrassment in public, gently warn him about his behavior and why such a behavior is not appropriate.
Remember that you need to stay calm and composed all the time when it comes to dealing with your toddler, no matter how naughty he is- if you begin to yell and refuse to budge, there is a good chance your toddler will be even more stubborn from his side.
There’s nothing better than having some quality time with your baby- take him out to a park or a games arcade at your nearby mall. Instead of checking mails on your cell phone, interact and participate in the activities that your toddler enjoys doing (playing with a ball, riding a simulator motorcycle in the mall, making mud castles or sliding down a slide). This is a great way to get your toddler closer to you, and he’ll be more likely to value your opinions and thoughts.
You can also buy him a few good books that demonstrate characters having positive habits; this way, you’ll be silently encouraging positive behavior without him knowing about it. This is also a good time to keep him away from negative influences, if any.
You knew this one was coming- didn’t you? Well, to put it down simply, it is during this crucial time that you have to be on your best behavior and set an example for your toddler. Remember, your toddler is pretty observant about everything around him- he notices the way you dress, the way you catch your fork and the hand motions that you do while you talk to someone- so make sure you set a good example yourself.
Be on your best manner both at home and in public. Practice honesty, have a positive approach and behave well with people- it’ll help you in your own life and you will also have minimal issues when dealing with your toddler’s behavior.
Remember that bringing up toddlers is not easy. Despite all your efforts, you will find him indulging in some sort of inappropriate behavior at times. Do not panic, and instead, observe him and see if he continues to do such things and identify the reasons behind his behavior. Stay positive, give him your time, love and affection, and soon enough, your toddler will be a good, successful and disciplined individual.
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Article written by Shahida
Image credit: Dreamstime
So you’re little one has a tiny issue with sharing while playing with other kids. They refuse to let go of that toy, swat hands away, hold on tight to their items even though they weren’t playing with them just a minute ago.
You’ll be relieved to know that it is common! But while it’s normal, it still it’s a good idea to teach them how to share and interact with other kids.
We have 7 effective tips for you to start with. We love these methods as they don’t force them to share - instead, it teaches them the idea of sharing, how to prevent arguments from happening and encourage kindness.
1. Practice taking turns
This is a great way to encourage kids to interact with each other in a fair way. Keep practicing this at whatever they do to form a habit.
For example, take your child’s favourite toy and say ‘it’s mummy’s turn to hug Mr. Bear’. Then hand the bear to him and say, ‘it’s your turn now!’. Keep the game going, passing the bear back and forth while saying whose turn it is to be hugging it.
He will learn that just because he gives up his toy, it doesn’t mean he won’t be having it again. This reassures him that he can still share without giving up their chance to play at all.
2. Praise your child when he shares
Children respond best to positive reinforcement - they love to be acknowledged! No one likes to know where he went wrong or when he is not behaving.
Praise him when you see him sharing with others, no matter how small it is! These simple praises will be more effective at promoting sharing than scolding him each time he doesn’t.
3. Don’t punish him for not sharing
While you want them to share, it is best not to force them into it. Kids, especially if they’re younger, have no concept of sharing. They just think that as long as they can touch it, it’s theirs for the taking.
If you see that your child isn’t playing nice, he refuses to let go of the toy or snatches it from someone else, first start by describing how much fun she’s having with it. Then acknowledge her emotions saying you know it’s hard to let it go and go on to encourage him to take turns and his friend while return it after he is done.
If he still refuses, just go with it! ‘Looks like you’re not ready to share huh? Alright, let us know when you’re done with it so others can have fun with it too okay.’. Eventually he will get the idea. Be patient here!
4. Model it yourself
Children learn best from what they see you do - so start within yourselves! Having a snack? Offer them a pinch and point out how you love sharing with him. And sharing with the rest of the family is a great way to model too. He’ll learn that everyone shares, not just children.
5. Make toys communal
This is useful for those with more than one child. Refer the toys to everyone’s toys. Encourage communal ownership rather than a single person owning an item. They will then feel that they don’t have to guard their possessions with their lives.
6. Avoid getting involved in the conflicts
When you hear whining and yelling coming from the kids, your instinct will be to step in and resolve it asap. However, getting involved denies them the chance to learn how to share on their own. You’ll be amazed to see how creative their problem solving solutions can be! Sometime, they even realise that they don’t care so much about it and move on.
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Chinese New Year is here, and we know what that means for our kids – lots of visiting and hongbaos! And also nagging and kaypoh relatives. Unfortunately, we can only help you with teaching your kids the value of money – the relatives are a whole other matter!
The CNY period is a great time to sit down with your kids and explain to them the bare basics of managing their money. It’s knowledge that’ll be extremely valuable to them in the future; when they’re getting larger amounts of allowance from you, and eventually when they start earning their own income.
Create a savings account for them
Empower your kid by giving them the responsibility of saving up their money – you’ll be placing ownership over managing their funds into their own hands.
When starting out, what you could do is to deposit the entirety of their hongbao money into their account and then allow them to withdraw and deposit funds with your permission. When they’re older and if they seem responsible enough, give them the chance to fully manage their account on their own.
Letting them see their savings grow from month to month because of their own effort is something that’s extremely effective and simple to grasp; it’ll make an impact on them to see visible growth of their savings.
Guiding them away from instant gratification
If your kid wishes to use their hongbao money to buy something, set a budget for them and get them involved in the buying process.
For example, with a budget of $50, they’ll be able to get a few standalone Lego buildables but not an entire diorama. Help them compare the prices of the standalones and diorama, and show them that if they want a diorama, they’ll need to save up to get it.
Show them that delaying a purchase is sometimes better in the long run, where they’ll be able to get something more substantial out of waiting and saving.
Keeping track of their money
Aside from opening a savings account for them and teaching them to delay their gratification, you should also teach them a bit about budgeting. From personal experience, keeping track of my expenses is something that was difficult to pick up as a teenager and then an adult (I’m a lot better now though)!
Get them a little notebook where they’ll write down how much they save and spend on items. Use green in one column for ‘deposits’ and red in another column for ‘expenditure/withdrawals’. For things that they spend on, ask them to write down what they are and how much they cost.
At the end of the day or week, help them out with calculating the amount that they’ve saved or spent, and then go through their expenditure with them.
By doing something like this, they’ll hopefully come to understand the significance of money and how to keep track of what they spend on – and potentially not spend it all at once!
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Image credit: Madmini
Whether it’s throwing his toys or food or the remote control, your little one loves to experiment with ways to see that happens when it crashes.
Why do they love it so much?
As annoying and frustrating as it is, it is actually a skill every baby will learn. It is exciting for them! They are fascinating by cause and effect. As they get older, they might toss objects to vent anger or frustration (urgh, the dreaded toddler tantrum).
If you think you can prevent them from throwing just by restricting them, it’s not going to work that way! In fact, it will only make it more tempting for them to do so. The good news is that they will outgrow this time or when the thrill wears off.
What can you do about it?
Set boundaries
Tell them that some objects are fine to throw, like a ball, paper planes (anything safe and soft), but some things are not. Also, set areas for them to do it – in their play area or outdoors.
Have consequences for throwing
Follow through with your consequences. If baby is ready to throw an object that he shouldn’t be throwing, take it away from him. Explain why it is wrong to do so. Example, ‘The remote is not your toy, please go play with your toys instead’ or ‘the blocks are hard, it will hurt someone or break something’.
If he is throwing his food on the floor, take his plate away from him and have him help to clean the mess up.
Don’t give in if he cries or whines. Instead, replace it with something else that they can play with.
Teach him ways to deal with frustrations
If the tossing habit is because of his emotions, teach him other ways to deal with his anger and encourage him to use his words to talk to you.
How to prevent it
Offer other acceptable games for them to throw. Example, ring toss, or throw the clothes into the laundry basket, or a game of catch. We should not prevent them from practicing this hand-eye coordination skill. The point is for him to have fun! Our duty as parents is just to steer him away from throwing the wrong objects!
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