In parenthood, parents may find themselves struggling to find the right words to convey their thoughts and feelings. At times, the tone and choice of words may affect the intended communication, causing a negative development in a child’s growth or relationship with parents.
Parenting can be an extremely challenging and daunting job. Communication with their child is further complicated by the fear of damaging the child’s neurobiological wellbeing and concomitant need to protect one’s offspring. As a result, many parents may find themselves being pre-occupied over the minute details of their parenting skills, while trying to care for a child’s basic needs.
There are various factors impact communicating to our children. These can include:
Communication is a two-way street, where what is said may not always be understood in the way that was intended, which also comprises of non-verbal components. All of these are contributing factors that makes it a rather challenging process.
Parents ought to know that the way they interact with their child, even from when they are just a baby, is likely to have an impact on the way the child interacts with others in the world. Children do learn through modelling the behaviors of key role models in their lives.
Possible effects on children who hear mentally/psychologically damaging comments regularly
Verbal abuse, in which the parent speaks disrespectfully to the child or speaks damaging comments, takes on a personal toll since the child may rely on the parent for his very sense of self. This would impact their self-concept, self-esteem and view of the world.
Over time, this can lead to emotional problems (i.e. depression), externalizing problems (i.e. anger and related outbursts) and even impact the way the child interacts with others as s/he matures and develops his or her own relationships.
When words can affect a child’s emotional state
Dr Sanveen Kang, Principal Clinical Psychologist, Thomson Paediatric Centre said, “Whilst it is possible to say things which may negatively impact your child’s opinion of themselves and the world around them, it is important to first understand what we mean by damaging. The second is to understand that “damage” often occurs over time, unless it is the case of abuse. One would need to reinforce the negative and unhelpful comments over a period of time in addition to the child experiencing the consequences of these statements if they were to become assumptions by which the child leads his or her life. The third would be to understand that that all children are individuals who cope differently with scenarios.”
Therefore, it is highly probable that parents may at some points say things that hurt their child and these comments can at times contribute to their development of self-concept. However, it is often not the case that a parent is going to say one thing that is going to scar the children neurobiologically.
Continue reading on the next page for tips...
Tips for parents when communicating with their child:
Suggestions for parents when they start to feel angry
“Parents usually say things to their kids they don’t mean in a fit of anger. The most important thing to remember about anger is not to act while you're angry. It is important to recognize that we should not problem solve when we are angry or our ability to reason/react appropriately is compromised,” added Dr Kang.
However, in the event that a parent does say something they regret, it is important to own up to the child and have an unbiased conversation surrounding the initial issue. Parents can start by disclosing that they feel their words or responses were not appropriate, they are sorry and would like the opportunity to work through the problem again. It is important to recognize that this shows authenticity in the relationship and also, that parents do not continue to speak in the same negative tone to their child (as this may eventually impact the trust the child has).
It is quite impossible to avoid conflicts and confrontations. However, it is possible to avoid or reduce the emotional distress your child might experience by allowing your child to witness how can you solve problems in a respectful and calm manner, while keeping communication channels open.
Anger Management:
If you find yourself struggling with anger constantly, it is important to seek professional help.
Positive comments such as praise may have the potential to hurt a child in some circumstances
Praise needs to be used appropriately. Praise for children may be seen as affirming and positive, but there have been studies which suggest that the wrong kinds of praise can be very harmful to learning. For example, instead of focusing on their ability ("You did really well; you're so clever"), focus on their hard work ("You did really well; you must have tried really hard’).
Children who are given effort-based praise are more likely to show willingness to work out new approaches. They often more resilience and tend to attribute failure to lack of effort, not lack of ability. The children who are praised for their intelligence tend to choose tasks that confirm what they already know, display less resilience when problems get harder, and worry more about failure.
Dr Sanveen Kang
Principal Clinical Psychologist & Centre Manager
Thomson Paediatric Centre - The Child Development Centre
This article is brought to you by Healthway Medical.
Childhood depression is more than the normal “blues” and every day emotions that occur in a child. Disruptive mood dysregulation disorder (DMDD) is a childhood condition of extreme irritability, anger, and frequent, intense temper outbursts. Its symptoms typically begin before the age of 10, but the diagnosis is not given to children under 6 or adolescents over 18.
As a corner stone of DMDD is irritability, children who are diagnosed with it usually experience:
Diagnosing childhood depression
Typically, the diagnosis for child depression is not given below the age of 6 years old. Presentation of depression also varies with age.
Younger children often lack the language skills to verbalize their mood. They may not be able to describe how they are feeling or what they are experiencing. In such cases, a child with depression may report being sick, refuse to go to school, cling to a parent, or even worry that one or both of their parents (or another close family member or friend) may pass away.
On the other hand, older children who have a better understanding of what depression means may feel embarrassed or they may worry that they are different. These children may sulk, get into trouble at school, be negative and irritable, be more fatigued and feel misunderstood. They have a higher tendency of engaging in risk taking behaviors, may also start to use substances (such as alcohol or OTC medication) to self soothe and may also pick up smoking.
What can parents do?
Parents should keep a lookout for changes in your child’s behavior. Take note if your child is not wanting to do things that they previously enjoyed, not wanting to meet friends, sleeping a lot more or less than normal, eating a lot more or less than normal, or seem constantly irritable or upset. A diary can be kept while observing changes on a day-to-day basis.
Other behavior that your child may exhibit to look out for:
Dr Sanveen Kang
Principal Clinical Psychologist & Centre Manager
Thomson Paediatric Centre - The Child Development Centre
This article is brought to you by Healthway Medical.
Have you ever wondered why kids today seem to get bored, frustrated and impatient so easily? Are you worried that we’re raising a generation of entitled kids?
Growth mindset research tells us that the brain can continue to develop and change throughout our lives. There are things we can do to make us mentally stronger.
The trouble is that many parents, despite the best of intentions, are actually engaging in behaviours that don’t encourage a growth mindset. These behaviours can, in fact, have the opposite effect and result in impatient, entitled kids.
Don’t want to raise entitled kids? Avoid these five common parenting mistakes.
1. Instant gratification
It is so easy to give in to the demands of a whiny child to make the frustration stop, but when we do this we deprive them of the opportunity to learn patience.
We know your motives are pure, you just want to make your child happy. But If you find yourself running to get snacks every time your child wails “I’m hungry!” or turning on the TV every time they say “I’m bored”, you may be doing them more long term harm than good.
2. Constant entertainment
There is this pressure to create an endlessly fun universe for our kids. Blame it on social media, or smartphones, or whatever…but a lot of parents feel like their kids have to be constantly entertained or else they’re not doing a good job. Let us break it to you… that’s entirely not true!
Let your kids be bored once in a while! It’s okay, they’ll live.
Even better, get them involved in doing some chores around the house. Research has shown, time and time again, that chores provide a host of benefits for your child’s development. Chores teach responsibility and grit. Key traits children need to succeed in school. Kids don’t learn how to apply themselves by doing tasks that are “fun”, they learn to apply themselves through work.
3. Limited outdoor and social time
Parents today are so busy. We have tons of work to do. It’s easy to hand your kid an iPad or turn on a Disney movie to keep them “busy” too so that you can tackle your to-do list.
But here’s the issue with that. Kids need time to play outside in unstructured environments with you and with other kids in order to learn social skills. When iPads replace outdoor activities, our kids fall behind.
If you want your child to have strong social skills, they need to be out socializing! There’s no substitute for quality interactions outdoors.
Continue reading on the next page...
4. Letting kids make the rules
“My kid won’t put on his jacket.” “My daughter won’t eat anything green.” We hear this kind of thing from parents all the time.
When did parenting become a democracy? If we let kids make the rules, there’d be Netflix all day, pizza for breakfast, and you can just forget about bedtime all together.
And we wonder where all the entitled kids come from?
We aren’t doing our children any good when we give them what they want, if what they want isn’t healthy.
It also sends a really bad message. It tells kids that they don’t “need” to do certain things like chores or schoolwork if it isn’t something they “want” to do. Which we all know is blatantly false. By letting kids set their own rules, they don’t learn how to do the work necessary to achieve a goal.
5. Too much screen time
This is one of the blights of the modern age and a huge factor in the rise of entitled kids. Using tech as a distraction and/or babysitter never ends well.
Compared to the world on their screens, real life is bound to seem boring.
This leads to impatience, frustration, and an unwillingness to do tasks that require slow, focused attention like reading and studying. Not to mention the havoc longtime exposure to constant stimulation can wreck on a child’s nervous system and concentration. Tech also disconnects kids from their friends and family and limits the social interaction they need to develop.
Now that you know the pitfalls to avoid if you don’t want to raise entitled kids, you might be asking yourself…what can I do instead? Great question!
You can TOTALLY steer your kids away from entitlement by encouraging a growth mindset and helping train their little brains to develop the emotional and social skills they need to thrive.
Here’s how to NOT raise impatient, entitled kids:
Set limits
Teach patience
Connect as a family
Teach social skills
Nobody wants to raise impatient and entitled kids, that’s never the end game. The good news is if you feel your children might be going down this path it’s not too late.
Kids learn fast! If you avoid the mistakes we discussed and make a few tweaks to your parenting style, you should start seeing improvement right away.
Article was adapted from Beenke.
Pregnancy and Baby Singapore provides you with the latest news and practical tips to help you in your parenting journey. For more tips on your pregnancy and baby in Singapore, subscribe to our mailing list and like us on Facebook, to receive new articles for mummies like you every week!
The terrible twos is a normal stage in a child's development in which a toddler can regularly rebound between reliance on adults and a newly burgeoning desire for independence. It is a stage that most toddlers will go through in varying degrees. At one moment, the child may cling to you desperately and, in the next, run away from you in a screaming rage.
Understanding the terrible twos can help you not only cope with these behaviours but find ways to better deal with them without anger or aggression.
Understanding the terrible twos
Although parents don't usually expect the terrible twos to begin until the child is at least two, it can often happen well before then. In fact, some children with start before their first birthday with behaviours ranging from frequent mood changes to outright temper tantrums.
When faced with these behavioural challenges, you should always remind yourself that the child isn't doing this with the sole aim of defiance. Rather, the toddler is trying to express independence without the communication skills to do so. Without an emotional vocabulary to rely on, a child can quickly become frustrated and have no other means to express those feelings than with anger or aggression.
When this happens, a parent may suddenly be faced with screaming, biting, kicking, or running away.
Responding in kind, such as with anger or yelling, will only help reinforce aggression as an acceptable means of communication. It reinforces and prolongs the behaviour rather than helping the child gain the vocabulary he or she needs to better deal with emotions.
Taming the terrible twos
Taming the terrible twos starts by taming your own emotions.
If faced with a tantrum from your toddler, try to remain calm, even in public. Unlike older children, who may use tantrums to challenge authority, a two-year-old is simply enacting behaviours that he or she knows will get a response.
If confronted with a tantrum, there are some tried-and-true strategies that can help:
Continue reading on the next page...
Other tips that can help
Parents instinctively understand that if a child is tired, he or she can get cranky. To reduce the risk of this, try not to schedule shopping during the child's nap time. Toddlers are often happiest when you stick with daily routines, including regular naps and mealtimes. While schedules often need to be changed, ever-changing schedules are hard enough for parents to deal with. With a child, it can cause chaos.
There are a few other tips that can help:
By accepting the changes your child is going through and showing love and respect, you can help your child through this often-difficult stage and help build his or her confidence.
Pregnancy and Baby Singapore provides you with the latest news and practical tips to help you in your parenting journey. For more tips on your pregnancy and baby in Singapore, subscribe to our mailing list and like us on Facebook, to receive new articles for mummies like you every week!
1. Start Small
A child does not truly understand the concept of sharing until about age 5. However, a child can be taught to understand some basic rules. such as waiting your turn ('she goes, then you go'), if you walk away from a toy it is open for anyone else to play with, and if you bring your toy to a playdate, then everyone there gets to play with it,.
2. Time it
Set a timer to his playtime with the toy. Let your child know that he’ll get to play with it for 10 minutes, and when the timer goes off, it’s his brother’s turn to play with for 10 minutes. This will show your child how to take turns and let him know that giving up his toy is just temporary.
3. Keep the special toys aside
Similar to adults, your child might have some prized possession that he doesn’t want to hand to others. If there is a special toy or item that he really loves, don’t force him to share it! But make sure he understands that those items can’t be brought out if he doesn’t want to share.
4. Set an example
Kids pay close attention to what you do! So let them see you in the act of sharing. If you’re eating a cookie, ask him if he’d like a bite. You and your partner should also make it a point to show your child how to share, whether it’s taking turns choosing what movie to watch or sharing space in the kitchen!
5. Sort out the toys
It is completely normal for your child to have toy envy. If he sees his friend playing with a toy, he will suddenly want it too. To avoid this, consider setting a theme when you have kids over. It can be a farm or colour theme, so that all kiddos are playing with the same type of toys.
6. Be part of charity
Get your child involved in donating his least used toys to the less fortunate. Explain to them who is for and what a great deed he is doing.
7. Praise the positive!
We spend so much time reminding them to behave, it's easy to forget to offer applause when your child does exactly what you want him to do. Still, don't forget to praise him when he does share with someone -- whether you had to remind him to do it or not. Let him know how happy you are to see him being so nice to his friend or sibling, and also point out that he's made that other child very happy.
8. Expose them to more playdates
Just being around other little ones and interacting during play can be a lesson in sharing, so be sure that your child is used to being around other children his age as early on as possible. Having a regular set of playmates over the years will encourage trust among friends. As your child develops that sense of trust, he will be more likely to share with others.
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Time-out certainly sounds like a brilliant fix: A child spends a few minutes sitting alone, and emerges calm and cooperative. Parents often admit that it simply doesn’t work—because their kid fights going to the time-out, cries and calls out instead of sitting quietly, or gets even more worked up afterward. Could you be doing it wrong?
Here are some mistakes you could be making!
1. Using them too often
Despite popular belief, time-outs aren’t supposed to be about getting children to think through their misdeeds. A time-out is primarily a ‘Let’s stop things from getting worse’ strategy. In the history of the universe, no children have ever gone to their rooms to ‘Think about what you did!’. They’re thinking about their parents’ meanness. The learning starts after the time-out, when you can say, ‘Okay, let’s try again’.
2. Giving kids attention during time-out
A time-out is essentially a mild consequence. Young kids crave attention, and even negative attention is good enough for them. In fact, “time-out” was originally short for “time-out from positive reinforcement,” because paying attention to a child’s misbehaviour can encourage him to misbehave more. Time-out isn’t a naughty chair or a corner of the room, it’s simply the lack of parental attention for a short period of time that lets a child see that his behaviour led to losing attention instead of getting it.
3. Using them for the wrong reason
Research has shown that time-outs work best on young children who are oppositional and defiant by hitting or intentionally doing the opposite of what you ask, but only if you first try milder responses most of the time. When a child is put in a time-out for different types of problems or if it’s used too often for oppositional defiance, his behaviour may get worse. Little kids who are just whining about the mashed potatoes or negotiating for more iPad time respond better to other approaches.
Alternatives to Time-Out
Article was adapted from Parents.com
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Is your little one a little reserved in front of other kids? These tips will help her open up and interact!
Stop the comparison!
It's never a good idea to compare your child to others, whether it's a more outgoing friend/relative or an overachieving sibling. Instead, focus on what makes your child different and let her know how special that part of her personality is. That alone will help boost her confidence and make her more comfortable in front of others! So if your child isn't particularly athletic but loves to draw, sign her up for an art class where she can be around other kids with the same interest.
Be aware of what you say
Talk about shyness as how your child feels, not who she is. For example, if your daughter is hiding behind your leg and refusing to say hi to everyone at a gathering, you might be tempted to say something like, "Sorry, she's shy." Instead, tell your daughter, "You feel shy right now. That's OK -- you can say hello when you're ready." "It's a subtle difference but saying 'You feel' is much better than saying 'You are’.
Be an example
Be an example of friendliness in front of your child. For example, at playdates, you can engage her friends in small talk ("I love your new doll, Emily. What's her name?"). Kids love to mimic their parents' behaviour, so seeing you at ease with others will show her there's nothing to fear.
Tell her what to expect
Before you expose him to certain situations, explain in detail what you are going to do and what he is going to do. For example, before going to a birthday party, you should tell him who's going to be there, what will be going on ("We're going to sing 'Happy Birthday' to Shane and eat some cake!"), what toys he might get to play with, etc. If it helps, have him bring something from home -- his favourite toy, for instance -- that will make him feel more secure when he gets there.
Keep the group small
Even a child who is usually outgoing can feel overwhelmed around larger groups of children, so for a toddler on the quiet side, a room full of screaming kids can be torture. At this stage, it's best to limit your child's playdates to only a few friends. Then, as your child starts to feel more comfortable around other tots, you can begin introducing her to other kids or sign her up for classes where there will be more children around.
Don’t give them pressure
Research shows that kids whose parents push them too far, too quickly, end up withdrawing even more. Because shy children feel uncertainty and anxiety in certain social situations, when parents force them to participate, it just makes them more anxious, making it less likely they'll be willing to give it a try the next time. If your child is insisting that he doesn't want to do something that feels terrifying to him, let him know you're there to make him feel safe, but don't force it.
But don’t shelter them!
It's important that you give your child opportunities to succeed in new situations. Help your little one take gentle steps in the direction of achievement and accomplishment. Freely use the phrase, 'I'll do it with you,' and say things like, 'I know it's hard (or you're uncomfortable), but I'll be with you. Let's just give it a try.' A gentle nudge might include saying, 'Let's just go take a look.'.
Give compliments when its due
Even if it's a small step -- saying hi to the cashier -- be sure to let your child know how proud you are of his progress. Every chance you have, and especially when your kid is next to you, comment on his newly acquired skills.
Show her love!
Parents need to make building a secure and loving attachment to their child a priority, which will in turn help their child develop self-esteem and confidence. Knowing that you're around to watch over her and lend a hand when needed will help your child feel comfortable being around others. So no matter what, be sure to shower your toddler with lots of hugs and kisses!
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Montessori can be hard to sum up in just a few words—it is a philosophy on education and child development that runs deep. It’s a way of seeing the world. I think one of the easiest ways to get an idea for what Montessori means is to listen to the language that Montessori teachers use.
Montessori teachers use language that respects the child and provides consistent expectations. Words are chosen carefully to encourage children to be independent, intrinsically motivated critical thinkers.
Here are seven common phrases you’d probably hear in any Montessori classroom, and how to incorporate them into your home life.
1. “I saw you working hard”
The focus on process over product is a key tenet of Montessori. We avoid telling the children “good work” or “your work is beautiful” and instead comment on how they concentrated for a long time, or how they wrote so carefully and their work could be easily read by anyone.
Praising your child’s hard work, rather than his results, helps instil a growth mindset where he believes he can improve through his own efforts.
Instead of telling your child, “You’re a good boy,” tell him “I noticed you being kind to your little brother yesterday when you shared your truck.” This shows him you see his good behaviour, without placing judgments on him. Instead of telling him, “You’re such a good artist,” try, “I noticed you kept working on your picture until you got it just how you wanted it.”
2. “What do you think about your work?”
In Montessori, the child is his own teacher. The teachers are there as guides to give him lessons and help him but he discovers things for himself through the carefully prepared environment and materials.
Self-analysis is a big part of that discovery.
When your child asks you, “Do you like my picture?” try asking her about it instead of just saying you love it. Ask her what she thinks about it, how she decided what colours to use, and what her favourite part is. Help her start to evaluate her work for herself, rather than looking for your approval.
3. “Where could you look for that?”
Independence is another key value in any Montessori classroom or home. Our goal as teachers is to help the children do things for themselves. So while it’s sometimes easier to simply answer a child’s question about where something is or how to do something, we often answer questions with another question such as, “Where could you look for that?” or “Which friend could you ask for help?”
If your son loses his shoe and you see it peeking out from under the bed, try asking leading questions, rather than just handing it to him.
“Where were you when you took your shoes off? Have you checked your room?” This may take a little more time, but it will be worth it when he starts taking more initiative and coming to you less.
Continue reading on the next page...
4. “Which part would you like my help with?”
In a Montessori classroom, children are responsible for many things, including taking care of their environment. Children often take great pride in this responsibility, spending time arranging flowers to put on tables, watering the garden, and happily washing the windows and tables.
Sometimes though, a job is just too big and overwhelming. In these cases, we ask the child how we can help. We don’t want to swoop in and “save the day,” sending the message that the child is not capable, but we also don’t want to leave the child overwhelmed.
For example: If your child is tired, but needs to put her Legos away before bed, all of those pieces can be overwhelming. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing though. Try “which colour would you like me to put away” or “I’ll put away the yellow pieces and you put away the blue” to show that you’re in it together.
5. “In our class (or at home), we …”
This little phrase is used to remind the children of any number of classroom rules and desired behaviours. Phrasing reminders as objective statements about how the community works, rather than barking commands, is much more likely to elicit cooperation from a child.
“In our class, we sit while we eat” is less likely to incite a power struggle than “Sit down.”
Like all of us, children want to be a part of the community, and we simply remind them of how the community works.
If you have a rule about walking in the house, instead of “stop running,” try saying “we walk inside our house” and see if you get fewer arguments.
6. “Don’t disturb him, he’s concentrating”
Protecting children’s concentration is a fundamental part of the Montessori philosophy. Montessori classes give children big blocks of uninterrupted work time, usually three hours. This allows children to develop deep concentration, without being disturbed because the schedule says it’s time to move on to learning something else.
It can be tempting to compliment a child who is working beautifully, but sometimes even making eye contact is enough to break their concentration.
Next time you walk by your child while he’s focused on drawing a picture or building a tower, try just walking by instead of telling him how great it is. You can make a mental note and tell him later that you noticed him concentrating so hard on his creation.
7. “Follow the child”
This last one is an important one. It’s something Montessori teachers say to each other and to parents—not to the child. We often remind each other to “follow the child,” to trust that each child is on his or her own internal developmental timeline, that he is doing something for a reason.
This reminds us to search for the reason behind the behaviour. It reminds us that not all children will be walking by one or reading by four—they haven’t read the books and couldn’t care less about the milestones they are “supposed to” reach.
Following the child means remembering that each child is unique and has his own individual needs, passions, and gifts, and he should be taught and guided accordingly.
If you can’t get your child interested in reading, try watching what he does love—if he loves being silly, it may be that a joke book is what piques his interest, not the children’s classic you had in mind. Remembering to “follow your child” can help you see him in a different way and work with him instead of against him.
One of beautiful things about Montessori is that it is so much more than a type of education—it is a way of seeing and being with children. Even if your child does not go to Montessori school, you can easily bring the ideas into your home and watch your child’s independence and concentration grow.
Article first appeared on Motherly, written by Christina Clemer
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The last thing all parents want to hear is a complain from your little one’s teacher that he bit and pulled someone’s hair in childcare. Why does it happen and how can you handle it?
It’s an exciting time for kids between 18 months to 3 years old. They are becoming aware that they are separate individuals from their parents and people around them. This means that they are starting to assert themselves, communicate their likes and dislikes, and show independency. As much as they are eager to do this, they lack self-control and the ability to express themselves in a ‘civil’ way.
Why do they lose their cool?
It’s true, aggressive behaviour is a normal part of your child’s development. Some degree of hitting and biting is completely normal but biting multiple times during the week would be more of a concern.
That doesn’t mean you should ignore it completely! Make sure your child knows that aggressive behaviour is unacceptable and show him other ways to express his feelings.
How should you respond to aggression?
Observe and learn
Find out what is the underlying reason for your child’s behaviour. Is it during playtime when he is put in the situation where he has to share his toys? Does it happen right before nap time when he is tired? Has there been any changes in his world that is making him feel upset or insecure? It could be a change of child care or a new baby at home.
Find out the stressors that triggers the aggressive behaviour can help you to address and deal with the problem together.
Stay calm!
This is pretty important here! Take deep breaths and keep your own cool. Staying in control makes it more likely your child will calm down more quickly. When you get agitated and frustrated, it increases his distress. You need to be his rock!
Use words and actions to communicate your message
Words alone may not be enough to get your child to stop his behaviour. Use an authoritative, firm voice – not scream or yell. At the same time, use hand actions like ‘stop’ or ‘no-no’ along with your words. It takes many repetitions, hearing the words together with the actions before it gets through to them.
Give logical consequences
If your child gets rough at playtime, take him away immediately. Sit down and explain that he can go back in when he’s ready to join the fun without hurting anyone.
Avoid lecturing or reasoning with your child. He is probably still too young and don’t have the capability to empathise and reflect on his actions. But he will be able to understand consequences.
Keep him active!
Some parents find that when their child doesn’t get the chance to burn off their energy, they are terrors at home. If your child is high-spirited, give him plenty of unstructured time, outdoors if possible, to let off some steam.
